Yesterday, I was THAT mom

One of the first things you learn when you become a parent, is that you didn't know crap about being a parent before you had kids. It doesn't matter if you are the coolest aunt/uncle, have a ton of babysitting experience or you teach children. When you have your own child, all that wisdom you thought you had? Useless. You quickly learn it's all about survival in the early years.

Yesterday, I was THAT mom. The one I promised myself I'd never be.

I am still extremely sleep deprived. Which means my hair/makeup routine, which I maintained stringently while pregnant (after all, I wasn't going to be THAT pregnant lady either), has gone to the wayside most days. So, there I was, out and about looking exactly like one looks when: you haven't slept in five months, have not attempted to hide the symptoms with makeup, and have barely run a brush through your hair. Couple that with the fact that most of my regular clothes still do not fit, leaving my current fashion statement as a mismatch of loose maternity clothes and tight, ill-fitting regular clothes. You can imagine I was a vision to behold.

Against my better judgment, I take both girls grocery shopping at 3:30 in the afternoon. Breaking two of my rules. And getting a larger than life reminder of why said rules are in place.

First rule: never do regular weekly shopping with both girls. Why? Because if you have an infant that cannot yet sit up, they are in a car seat that must be placed either in the front of the cart and your preschooler in the back, or vice-versa. Either way, your cart is full of kids and there is very little room for food. But because we have little food in the house and I know that I have to go to the post office when Natalie is in preschool the next day, I try to get it done. So, I decide to put Katherine in the front and Natalie in the back. She's good w/ me piling food around her so I figure that's my best option. Riiiight. Which leads me to...

My second rule: if shopping with children, only shop in the morning. Why? Tired kids + grocery shopping = complete mayhem. Here is how our little adventure went.

We enter the store (and remember, I am a vision) and I head to the bakery to get Natalie the free cookie they offer kids. First bad decision. This works for about three minutes. Then she finishes and starts to get antsy. Meanwhile, Katherine is chilling, but starting to stir. Then Natalie informs me, in a quite loud voice "mommy, I have to go to the potty. I have to pee AND poop!" Leaving the people snickering around me, we head to the bathroom. While I'm tending to Natalie, Katherine is in the cart outside the stall. I can see her but she can't see me. Not good. In the past few days she's started making this new sound that literally sounds like the kid in the exorcist. I'm not kidding. I think she's discovering her voice and playing with it, which is good. But even to Dean and I the sound is horrible. And we are her parents. So you can imagine how much worse it sounds to strangers. Whilst in the bathroom the exorcist sounds begin.

We complete the bathroom break and then Natalie asks me if she can walk, not ride in the cart. Something I've never allowed her to do before. In my sleep deprived mind I think hey, this will work. Then I can fit all the groceries in the cart. So with some strict rules of staying by my side we set off. Katherine is still using the exorcist voice so I look for the binky. And after tearing apart my bag realize I don't have one. Shit.

So now I am distracted, trying to keep Katherine happy and Natalie is running free. I keep reminding her to stay by the cart as I am simultaneously making funny faces to Katherine and throwing random food items into the cart. Then Katherine takes it up a couple octaves so I race back to the baby aisle and grab some binkys. I break one out and shove it into her mouth. Without washing or even wiping. I'm desperate and let's be honest. Kid #2 doesn't get the same hygienic treatment as kid #1. So, thinking I'm brilliant we continue on until... she spits it out. I repeatedly reinsert, but she does not want it. She is only interested in her new sound. At this point, I'm highly distracted and twice almost run Natalie over with the cart. I give her one last warning to walk beside me and she runs around the cart so I swoop her up and set her in the back of the cart. Immediate melt down, crocodile tears and cries of "I don't waaaaant to sit in the cart" ensue. I try to reason with her and tell her to calm down to no avail. I even do the public threat of time out. All the while, Katherine is screaming her exorcist screams. And remember, I am a vision.

Yeah, good times.

So I head for the nearest checkout with 2 screaming children, a random mish-mash of groceries that will likely not even make one full dinner and of course land in the line where a price check is needed. That takes a full five minutes. With a fortyish man in front of me trying to ignore my kids. I stared him down and I think he took one look at me and was too frightened to even say a word. Lucky him as at that point I would have loved to go off on someone. But I thank him now as he prevented me from making an a** out of myself in front of my children.

So there I am, wondering how I got to be that mom who looks awful, is scolding her kids in public and will stare you down if you try and give me the look.

Oh, and best of all, I still have no real groceries in the house which means I have to go back to the grocery store. Sweeeeet.